J.J. Smith's "Numbers"

Writing fiction is one of the worst necessary choices I had to make. It nurtured me through periods of alienation. It also alienated me from those who wanted to nurture. It rescued me from despair but it distracted me from focusing on what could have made me money. It created for me a home to live in when I felt homeless, but it also became that home I could never stay in for very long. It became a chore to upkeep, to maintain, and it grew into a monster I couldn’t tame; it became an ugly growth I could not expose, but I had already removed its wrappings;

I had unveiled what I am, what I do.

Writing fiction brought me here, to this place, to this terrible June, where I’m fretting over resumes and completing a degree and now this trip to see a man who they say is my father. It has put me in this uncomfortable position from where I dispense only the ugliest of truths; it has become a burden for me to bear and unload it here for a measly 4,400-something page hits. It has me wishing for the dumbest things: fame, recognition, praise, controversy;

it has me defending myself to those who do not believe in this road trip I am undertaking, those who believe in book trilogies adapted to movies, both forms so wasteful but profitable; these enemies of mine believe in what the Screen shows; they believe in what the latest PR claims;

they do not believe in me, what I am, what I do.

Writing fiction has brought me to this blog that I have considered deleting now about 116 times…but each time I sit to do it I instead begin typing

as if it’s going to help the pain of disappointment subside,

as if I am committed to a monster worthwhile.

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§ 2 Responses to CXVI.

• skylerraedowell says:

  June 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm

  Keep at it. Through all discouragement and disappointment. You have written so much, and maybe some isn’t going to be you at your best but then you’ll see something that you’ll be proud of.

  This is life. And you are going to tell its story.

  Just keep it up.

  Reply
• Brian Grove says:

  July 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

  Hi Jared,

  I like your site, you have some interesting posts. My site compliments yours, consisting of interesting articles from a published author, plus a free resource of over 1000 traditional book publishers currently accepting submissions – the largest on the web. Keep up the good work.

  Regards, Brian

  Reply